When Gratitude is Hard to Find

There it was on embarrassingly pink paper and rubber-banded to my front doorknob for everyone driving by to see. I had just received another late notice. As I marched up the front steps, I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox and the pink monster off my door. Once inside, I slammed the mail, the monster, and my keys on the counter.

I began rifling through the mail. Among the junk were two letters: another late notice and a Thanksgiving dinner invitation. I threw the two letters to the floor and screamed. Seriously, another late notice, and I knew exactly what was in the dinner invitation; there would be a paper numbered one to five. I was expected to bring a list of five things I was grateful for to recite at the family Thanksgiving dinner. I was in the middle of a personal crisis; I was in no mood to feel thankful. 

This memory has stuck with me for years. I remember how hopeless I felt at that moment. I don’t know what caused me to pick up the invitation, but I did. I sat down at my kitchen table and I thought about what I was thankful for. It felt like hours passed before I could write anything down, but once I started it became easier to think of another thing I was thankful for and then another. My late notices were still waiting for me, but I didn’t feel their weight as heavily as I had moments earlier. Why?

Dr. Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, is THE expert on the healing benefits of grateful thinking. He explains my sudden change in mood in his article How Gratitude Can Help You Through Hard Times. “In the face of despair, gratitude has the power to bring hope. In other words, gratitude can help us cope with hard times.” Call it gratitude or being grateful or being thankful, it has the power to heal.

Being grateful for five things wasn’t enough to keep the late notice blues away. For long-lasting effects, gratitude must become a habit. It is something that has to be practiced every day. When times are bad, it is especially important to focus on the good. How can we find gratitude during hard times? Here are four suggestions:

1. Choosing Gratitude Daily

This doesn’t mean pretending that your life is perfect or ignoring the problems that you are dealing with. It means that you choose to feel thankful today, despite what is going on in your life.

2. Start Small

A list of five things you are thankful for might seem impossible. That’s okay. Pick one thing. It can be anything that is going right for you at that moment. Literally anything. Were you able to open your eyes this morning? Be thankful for the ability to open your eyes. The goal is to get your mind to focus on the things going right and not the things going wrong. Take small moments throughout your day to recognize small things you are thankful for.

3. Make a List (or two)

I love a good list. Keeping a gratitude list helps keep my mind in a thankful mood. I can look back and remind myself that, even though my life isn’t going the way I had planned, there is always something to be thankful for. This list should be read often.

You can also keep a list of talents you are thankful for. We often sell ourselves short. This can be hard at first, but we deserve to celebrate ourselves and our talents. Are you an artist? A good listener? Everyone is good at something. List what you are good at. This list should also be read often.

4. Volunteer

When we are going through a hard time in our lives, we can feel incredibly alone. Thank goodness this isn’t the truth. Everyone is going through some sort of struggle. One way to find gratitude is to help those around you. There are endless ways to help: rake your neighbor’s leaves, bake some cookies for a friend, or organize a donation drive for the Family Support Center. Whether your actions are large or small, helping others refocuses your attention on someone else and your generosity gives you an emotional boost. Win-win!

Life can get overwhelming, even out of control. Creating a habit of gratitude will help make hard times more manageable. Remember: choose gratitude daily, start small, make a list, and volunteer. From all of us at the Family Support Center to you - Happy Thanksgiving!

- Amanda, Family Support Center